an old friend that i pretty much haven't talked to since i was diagnosed wrote me a letter that really struck me. he wanted to "break the ice" again with our friendship, but wasn't sure how. we were the type of friends that could go months without talking, but then hang out like we had just seen each other the day before...like no time had passed. we could confide in one another, laugh together about things that few others (if any) would find amusing, or just shoot the shit over drinks. yes it is possible for a guy and a girl to be friends and thats it.
anyhoo, I miss him along with several other people and his letter really got me thinking and evaluating my seemingly instinctual actions. why do i feel so embarrassed about my cancer? why do i feel the need to retreat from my friends vs. embracing their offers of support? rationally speaking, it is completely ridiculous...there is nothing to be ashamed about, nothing to be embarrassed about...i can't help what has happened to me, yet i continue to retreat from all but a select few. emotionally, however, it is more complicated. is it that i miss the life that i once had and being around these people will remind me of that? is it that i fear i won't be able to handle facing that right now? I rarely let people see me cry...maybe it is the fear that i will cry in front of them and won't be able to stop. but why the fuck should i care about these things?! they are so pointless to stress over. change is necessary and the only thing that is a sure thing in this world. am i strong enough to roll with punches and adjust? i like to think i am...but maybe it is that doubt, that fear that i can't "roll with the punches" and not wanting to "fail" in the eyes of all of those close to me.
if you can't tell by now, i am a perfectionist. i am also an obsessive over-thinker. both of these things i am working on changing about myself. i do know that accepting that you will never be perfect is the first step to happiness and not sweating the small stuff is also key. knowing what you need to do and actually doing are 2 completely different things.
i have finally learned that small steps are better than none at all and i am slowly coming out of my shell again. i've already sent my friend an email. :)
UPDATE: 12/3/07
Another friend so kindly pointed out that it is probably the fear of rejection. why didnt i think of that?! "they accepted the healthy 'me', will they accept the cancer 'me'?" the cancer me doesnt do the same things the healthy me did...i don't go out for drinks after work, i go to bed early...i basically live like i am 95 and i am only 31. a big day is going to the grocery store AND putting up xmas decorations. w00t! w00t! will they accept all of these changes in me or will we drift apart? Damn...he hit the nail on the head...
the answer to these questions is yes, they will accept me if they really are my friends and truly care...if they aren't and don't....then they can fuck off! enough said.
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